Saturday, April 28, 2012

Does time really heal all wounds?

All week I have been thinking that my due date with Brian and Lillian was April 30th.  This morning I realized that I have been wrong...  My due date was April 24th.  The day came and went and I totally forgot.  I feel like a horrible mother. 

To say we were thrilled when I found out I was pregnant would be an understatement.  At the time I was working at Hannaford and everyone knew we were cycling.  I remember calling the store to tell Margo (my boss) I was pregnant.  She was screaming and yelling!  I came into work the next day and the service desk and cash office was decorated.  Everyone was so happy for me. 

Our families were so happy and excited.  My mother in law had been very sick that year so finding out I was pregnant gave her some much needed happiness.  I know my mother was beyond happy.  I am her baby and she knew how much I wanted to be a mom.  My brothers, Brian's sister, aunts, uncles, cousins...  Everyone was so happy!

When we found out we were expecting twins we thought we were being rewarded for all the pain we had been through.  We were nervous, scared, happy and excited all at the same time.  At 18 weeks we found out we were having a girl and a boy.  I remember how excited my mom was.  We were all crying in the exam room.  Even my IVF nurse was there and she was crying.  I felt like we were getting our family.  Finally.  A son and a daughter.  I felt complete. 

December 28th 2005 is a day I will never forget.  When I felt the gush of water I knew what it was.  I called my doctors office and the nurse calmy explained that I could have just wet myself but I knew it wasn't that.  There was so much water.  The drive to the hospital (about 40 mins) was excruciating.  I was so scared.  I was only 23wks3d along.

The next morning I woke up thinking I had to go to the bathroom.  But once I got in there I knew something was wrong.  I started screaming.  Within 30 minutes my son was born.  They didn't think he would survive the birth.  He shocked them all.  He came out peeing all over the place.  I was whisked to another room to try and stabilize things so we could try and save Lillian.  I was totally out of it.  I only remember bits and pieces of things.  I guess things weren't looking good for little Brian.  The doctors brought him in for me to see.  I remember them put him right to my face and telling me what a fighter he was.  How proud I should be of him.  He was beautiful.  And wearing a little Santa hat.  He lived for 14 hours. 

Saturday December 31st was a good day for me.  I felt good and things looked good.  Lillian's water levels were fine.  Her heartbeat was strong.  They had given me steroid shots.  We were just praying that she was hold on.  That night I started feeling funny.  I had some pain but I thought maybe I had to go to the bathroom.  I had been on strict bed rest for 4 days so "things" weren't moving if you catch my drift.  They gave me something to help things.  But I knew this was something else.  The doctor checked me and I was dilating.  They asked if I wanted an epidural.  I did.  I wanted something to take away the pain.  My heart was in so much pain that I didn't know if I could handle physical pain too.  She was born at 12:39 a.m. on January 1st 2006.  She lived for 40 hours.

I remember the doctors coming in and telling us things weren't looking good and asking if we wanted to be with her.  I was numb.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I kept waiting to wake up for this horrible dream.  But it wasn't a dream.  It was my new reality. 

I ended up staying in the hospital for a few extra days just to make sure my body was ok from all the meds they had me on.  It was awful.  I just wanted to go home.  I couldn't stand the thought of knowing other women were there giving birth to big healthy babies.  And I was going home...  Empty handed.

I know time has eased the pain.  I can talk about Brian and Lillian and not completely lose it.  I can think about being pregnant with them and smile.  But there are some wounds that will never heal.  When they died a big piece of my heart died with them.  And that piece will never been completely healed.

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