Grief...

I am obsessed with reading other people's blogs. Especially ones that talk about pregnancy/infant loss. But after reading some of these blogs, I started feeling like something was wrong with me. Because I wasn't feeling the same way these other women were feeling.

The days, weeks and months following Brian and Lillian's death were rough. I had panic attacks. If I knew we were going somewhere I would take a anti anxiety pill because it was very overwhelming for me to be around people. I remember being in Walmart once feeling like I was going to pass out. I can home took a pill and went to bed. Brian had to travel quite a bit for work and luckily I was able to quit my job, so I traveled with him. It was hard to leave the house though. I felt like my babies were here and if I left would they wouldn't know where I was. Sounds crazy but it's how I felt.

Little Brian died a few days after my mother in law did so we decided to have him buried with him. It just made sense and felt right. I was unable to go to the services. That was really hard for me. Lillian was born 2 days after the funeral. To be honest I can't remember who picked out her coffin. Brian? Brian's dad? Those days are a little blurry for me. We didn't have a service for Lillian. I have felt guilty about that for a long time.

The first time I went to the cemetery was Memorial Day. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Seeing their names on the headstone was overwhelming. It had been months since we lost them but seeing their names made it real. I wasn't dreaming. When I was doing our IVF cycle with the girls, I visited everyday. I would leave the doctors office and go right to the cemetery. I would just sit in my car (it's was February in Maine so it was cold) and talk to them. Tell them what was going on. And to please watch over us.

We tried to get pregnant on our own for a little while. After about 6 months we decided to call our RE. She reviewed our charts from the hospital and told us she felt we lost the twins because of incompetent cervix. Once she told me that I became a little angry. I felt like my doctor should of been looking at my cervix to make sure everything looked o.k. I had just been complaining to her that something didn't feel right. But she just blew me off. I knew right there and then that I would never go back to her.

In August we did another round of IVF. It didn't work. I was devastated. I knew I only had one more cycle in me. I knew I couldn't go on doing IVF. It was emotionally and physically draining. In December I started talking the birth control. In February we got our BFP.

Finding out we were pregnant with twins again was very nerve wracking. Would I lose them? Would the cerclage work? Would I carry to term? Would I be on bed rest? Would I be able to relax? I was thrilled to be pregnant. But I didn't know how to process how I was feeling. I didn't want to spend my whole pregnancy worrying about losing them. But it was hard to shake those worries. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I ended up in the hospital at 34wks2d. I delivered the girls at 35wks2d.

So flash forward to now. I'm five years out from our loss. I can talk about Brian and Lillian without braking down. I can think about them without totally losing it. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments. I still have a hard time when we go to the cemetery. I will hear a song and it will bring me back. But for the most part I am o.k. I think about them everyday. I wonder what life would be like if they were here. But the grief doesn't consume me anymore. It doesn't run my life anymore. I guess I have learned to live with it.