Is this thing on?

I can't believe I haven't posted since July. I guess I was just feeling like I didn't have much to say. So instead of feeling like I need to post everyday I am going to post when I have things to say. Make sense?

We had an awesome summer. The girls LOVE the swimming pool! And so do I. It was great being able to just walk out of the house and just in the pool when it was hot out. It was a sad day when we had to close it for the winter. Next summer we are going to build a deck. Can't wait for that!

The girls started school in September. The first couple of days were rough for Maggie. They have never really been away from me. There were many tears shed but after 3 days she started to really like it. Now she loves school. Charlotte has loved it since day 1. She cries when we get home. She loves playing with all her friends. She is such a social butterfly. I can already see changes in them since they started school. It's really amazing to watch your kids grow.





They also celebrated their 4th birthday in September. 4 years old... It seems like yesterday we brought them home from the hospital. We had a Princess/Rapunzel birthday party with family and friends. The girls loved having all their cousins here playing. It was really cute.




I think I am going to stop now. Next post will be all about our trip to Disney :)

I don't feel good today...

This is what Charlotte told me today. I think she has a summer cold. The poor thing just got over an ear infection a couple weeks ago. And Maggie had swimmers ear. She seems to be better now. Of coarse we are having the hottest weather of the summer. So poor Charlotte. She's sick and sweaty. And she doesn't really want to swim. Thank goodness we have an air conditioner in their bedroom.

We are pretty excited here in the Souza household. We are going camping next month!! My dad asked us if we would be interested in doing a big family trip to Papoose Pond and of coarse we said yes! So it will be my niece Ellie, my dad, my stepmother, her kids and their families!! There will be 19 of us! It should be fun! We used to camp at this campground all the time when I was a kid. I loved it there! I have so many wonderful memories of that place... Now I will make some more with my family!

And you know what else?? 98 days or 14 weeks till DISNEY!!

Summertime

I don't know if I mentioned that we bought a swimming pool or not. Back in February one of the local pool companies was having a great sale on pools. We bit the bullet and bought one. It's been a bit of a headache but we really do love it! We didn't realize how much it costs to put up a pool... Oh well! The girls love it. Especially Maggie. I am surprised she hasn't grown fins yet!

MIA...

Sorry I haven't been around much lately... There have been many times when I have logged into Blogger to post but just didn't feel like writing. I have been in a bit of a funk. Those around me probably didn't notice it but I knew I wasn't feeling myself. I went to the doctors and asked to be put on meds. Depression is such a bitch. And she started rearing her ugly head a few months ago...

Every since Brian and I started trying to have a baby I have felt a little down. Infertility is awful. Every time someone announced they were pregnant I would just shut down. I would cry for days. Always wondering when it would be our turn. I watched my two BFF's have 2 children, two of my nieces have babies, my aunt had a baby plus the countless co-workers have babies. It became painful. I pulled away from people. I needed to protect myself. I love my friends. Michelle and Nichole are like family to me. And of coarse I love my nieces. But it was so hard.

We started IF (infertility) treatments in December of 2002. I remember being so hopeful. We did 6 rounds of IUI's. Let down after let down. Every time we got a negative pregnancy test, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I felt like I was letting Brian down. It was my body that wasn't getting pregnant. After the 6th IUI, my OB suggested we see a reproductive endocrinologist.

We met with Dr Hartog in the spring of 2003. As soon as I met her I loved her. She was straight forward but she had a warmth about her. And I LOVED my nurse, Laura Jean. She was great. It was like talking to my mom. I made a friend in Laura Jean. We did our first IVF cycle in October of 2003. We were beyond excited! Everything went pretty smoothly. But it didn't work. We did our next cycle in March of 2004. That was a disaster. We didn't even think we were going to have embryos to transfer. I was defeated. Again, I couldn't help but wonder why? Why was this happening to us? I needed a break. A break from the needles. A break from the ultrasounds. A break from IVF...

That fall was great. We took an amazing family trip to Disney World. While we were there we watched the Red Sox beat the Yankees after being down 3 games. Then we watched as they won the World Series. I felt totally recharged. I know that probably sounds weird but in a way watching them win gave me hope. I needed just a little more time but I knew we would be cycling again.

The spring of 2005 we got all our ducks in a row to start our next cycle. It was a bumpy road but it all worked out. In August we got what we had been working so hard to get... BFP!

I'm not going to go to deep into what happened. You all know that we lost the babies. It was the darkest time of my life. My heart was truly broken. I couldn't believe we were given such an amazing gift to have it taken away from us. I was angry. I was sad. There were so many emotions going through my head. And now when I found out someone was expecting I would just break down. and I would be out of it for a couple days.

My niece got pregnant right before the 1 year anniversary of Brian and Lillian's death. She called Brian and told him first. So he prepared me. But I couldn't talk to her. I was thrilled for her. Beyond happy. but it was so hard for me. It wasn't jealousy. I just couldn't understand how it was so easy for some people but so hard for us. I couldn't hear her say the words. I was afraid if I did it would kill me. We ended up talking on Christmas Eve. I remember her saying she wanted her aunt back. We are very close. and that killed me too. I asked her to just give me some time. We were gearing up to cycle again. And we all know how that turned out. My niece had her son in June. The girls were born in September.

Infertility is a horrible disease. It's almost crippling. Until you have been through it you can't understand. To want something so bad and not be able to have it. To want a child of your own and it just not happening the way "it's suppose" to happen. And even though I have kids it still stings a little when I hear that people are pregnant.

Preschool

We found out today that the girls names were picked in the public school pre-k program. We are beyond excited! I have been looking into preschools in our area and we would've had to pay between $90-$200 a week. Depends on if the school offered a multiple child discount or not. So needless to say we are pretty pleased we got into the public system.

I still can't believe my babies are old enough for school. Where did my little babies go? I know they are going to love school. They will make friends, learn new things, do arts and crafts. It's going to be great. And it's going to be for me. The thought of having some free time is awesome! I can clean without having them following behind me undoing whatever it is that I am doing. I can go grocery shopping alone which will be easier. And my house just might be clean. For more than one day!!

I keep talking to the girls about going to school. Charlotte seems very excited. Maggie... not so much. She keeps telling me she needs to stay home with me. Maggie is a mama's girl. She hardly leaves my side. I have a feeling I will be that parent who has to stay in the back of the classroom for the first few days... But she needs to get away from me.

Times are a changing. The girls are getting older. I feel like we just brought them home. Now they are going to preschool. Before I know it they will be graduating from high school.

April 2008


April 2009


April 2010


April 2011

We are going to Disney World!!

I know this isn't really that big of a surprise huh?? Yesterday I booked the first half of our trip and next Wednesday I can book the other half. We will be staying at the Boardwalk for 7 nights and the Animal Kingdom Lodge-Kindani Village for 5 nights. We are super excited!! We love the Boardwalk. We love being able to walk to EPCOT and Hollywood Studios. But this year we decided to try something new. We have wanted to stay at the AKL for some time now. This year we decided to bite the bullet and try it. We are going to do a Savannah view so the girls will be able to see animals from our room. I can't wait to see their faces!! We will be there for Halloween so we will attend Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party. I know they will LOVE it! And we will be able to enjoy the Food and Wine Festival. It's hard to believe we are taking the girls on their 4th vacation to Disney!! Oh coarse they really don't understand that we have to wait 7 months until we go... They think we are going now!!

Toys...

My kids have a new toy (if you can even call them toys) that they love. Squinkies. Anyone else out there have kids that love them too? I think the person who invited these things should have to come to my house every night and pick them up. They are everywhere. And of coarse they are the tiniest things... But my kids love them. They reenact scenes from their favorite movies/shows with them. Which is very cute...



But they do have toys that I love. Especially their Toy Story toys. They have Buzz, Woody, Jesse and Bullseye plush toys. Then they have figurines of Buzz, Woody, Jesse, Bullseye, Ham, Rex and one Alien. I also bought them Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. I love when they play with these toys. I think I like those movies more then they do...



Here's the gang minus Bullseye. Maggie sleeps with him so he's upstairs most of the time...


Then there are the Wonder Pets. My nieces little girl Gracie has loved them for months so I thought I would see what this show was all about. The girls fell in love. Oh they love the Wonder Pets. So we bought them Wonder Pets stuffed animals. The girls love them. Gracie's birthday party theme last year was Wonder Pets. My very talented niece, Holly, made all the kids the capes that Linny, Tuck and Ming Ming wear. So now we can play Wonder Pets. It's really cute!

Love....

You know what I love?

This...



And this...





And these...





And these funny faces...

The many outfits of Charlotte Souza

Charlotte loves to dress up. She's always asking to be Belle, Cinderella, Jesse or her newest favorite, a mermaid (which consist of just her leotard). She cracks me up! Here a some pictures of her get ups. There are some duplicates from other posts...

Pictures

I have started a few posted but just haven't had it in me to finish them.... So I figured I would post some pictures. I bought myself a new camera a few weeks ago. It's a Canon Rebel xs and so far I love it! Still trying to figure it out but that's the fun part. And I have adorable subjects to test it out on!! I will post again soon about what we have been up to. Which isn't much...

Two questions I dread...

There are 2 questions people ask me all the time that I dread. The first one is, "do you have any other children"? The other one is, "do you plan on having more children"?

When people ask if I have anymore kids I want to crawl in a hole and cry. I feel if I say "no" then I am denying that Brian and Lillian were born. They were born and lived for a short period of time. They were here with us and we prayed that they were strong enough to live. But they weren't. They were born too soon. But on the other hand if I tell them the truth I can see the horror on their faces. It's really hard for me. And I am sure it's hard for a stranger to hear my story.

For years we struggled with infertility. I went off birth control when we got married. I figured if I got pregnant it wouldn't be that big of a deal. We were married and we knew we wanted a family. Well after 4 years of nothing happening we decided to look into what was going on. You all know the rest of the story. IF (infertility) robbed us of getting pregnant on our own. By the time we started treatments we were going into our thirties. I was almost 33 and Brian was 35 when the girls were born. Not old by any means but old enough that if we were going to try for another one we weren't going to be able to wait too long. We had talked about the girls being our only children. We didn't think we could go through IVF again, chance getting pregnant with twins again, having another high risk pregnancy and take care of toddler twins. After delivering the girls, the doctor could not got my uterus to contract. They were working really hard to get it to do so. The doctor came over to us and asked if we planned on having anymore kids. It's one thing if you decide this was it. It's another thing when the choice is taken away from you. She explained what was going on. Obviously saving my life was more important then my uterus. I didn't have time to process this because I went right into surgery.

Even after after I had the girls it really hadn't sunk in that I wouldn't be able to have anymore kids. When we lost Brian and Lillian I met an awesome woman. Her name was Peg and she was the grief counselor at the hospital. By some strange twist of fate she had found out that I was in the hospital having the girls. She stopped by to say HI. We talked about all the emotions that were going on in my heart. How happy I was to have the girls and how sad I was that Brian and Lillian weren't here with us... She also told me I needed to grieve the loss of ability to have more children. To be honest there was so much going on I didn't have time to even think about that. But it clicked with me a few weeks later. I wasn't going to be pregnant again. I would never get a BFP again. I would never hear a heartbeat from within again. I would never feel a baby growing in my belly again. I am VERY GRATEFUL for my girls. I know how lucky I am to have them. But I was sad that once again the choice was taken away from me.

Most of the time when people ask me if we will have more kids I just say, "no, we are happy with what we have". Deep down I would of loved to have one more. But I guess it just wasn't in the cards.

I'm still here!

The past couple of weeks have been rough here at the Souza house. Just as Maggie was getting over bronchitis Charlotte caught a nasty cold. Of coarse Maggie got it too. Yesterday I took Maggie back to the doctors. She wasn't doing good. But he said it's just a viral thing. He recommended a couple meds to give her. So that's what we are doing. Hopefully by the end of the week they will be back to their normal selves. Last night Maggie slept all night in her bed! It was great for her and for me! It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for you. She is like a different child today!

Charlotte and Maggie definitely have cabin fever. Between being sick and the amount of snow in the yard we have been staying inside. We have been invited to a kids Valentine's day party on Friday. I am hoping everyone is healthy enough to attend.

We got great news today about aunt Theresa! They caught the cancer in the early stage and it hasn't spread!! She starts radiation in 2 weeks. Thank you for all that prayed for her!! I am hoping to get down to see her this weekend.

Next month we get to book our Disney vacation!! We have decided to stay at the Beach Club this year. We are beyond excited! They have a sand bottom pool there with a pirate ship slide. It's so cool. We aren't going until October. It's going to be a long wait but so worth it in the end.

So that's what is going on here. I'm ready for summer to get here. I am done with the cold and the snow.

Here are some pictures for the past few weeks:

Change of plans...

This weekend Brian and I were suppose to have a date night. I was really looking forward to this. I think the last time we had a date night was last summer when one of Brian's friends got married. A little over a week ago Maggie woke up with a nasty cough. No other symptoms just a cough. I thought I would give her a couple days and it would be cleared up. That just wasn't happening. I took her to the doctors on Friday. He thought either bronchitis or pneumonia...

I had to take to the hospital for chest x-rays. She did so well!! I was so proud of her!

The doctor called that afternoon and it was bronchitis. We decided to cancel our date night... We didn't feel right leaving her when she wasn't feeling 100%. My mom told us to pick another night and she will come over.

Saturday Heather and Jen came over. We had a great visit. It was fun talking to Jen about having twins and what it was like being pregnant with twins. Brian and I ended up making one of our favorite meals, steak sandwiches, for dinner.

Here are some pictures Heather took:








Sunday we were suppose to have a family dinner with Theresa. But... Holly's kids are sick too. Bert had pneumonia in one of his lungs and Gracie has bronchitis! So my mom came over and hung out with us. I was bummed that we didn't get to see Theresa before her surgery but with all the little ones being sick we knew cancelling was the best idea.

If you are the praying kind, please say a little prayer for our dear friend Theresa. Her surgery is tomorrow. We love you aunt-T!!

Oh and guess we are getting this week??? MORE SNOW!! I am so over this!!

Here are the girls frosting cupcakes.. At one point they "washed" their hands with the frosting.










And I love this picture of Charlotte