Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Two questions I dread...

There are 2 questions people ask me all the time that I dread. The first one is, "do you have any other children"? The other one is, "do you plan on having more children"?

When people ask if I have anymore kids I want to crawl in a hole and cry. I feel if I say "no" then I am denying that Brian and Lillian were born. They were born and lived for a short period of time. They were here with us and we prayed that they were strong enough to live. But they weren't. They were born too soon. But on the other hand if I tell them the truth I can see the horror on their faces. It's really hard for me. And I am sure it's hard for a stranger to hear my story.

For years we struggled with infertility. I went off birth control when we got married. I figured if I got pregnant it wouldn't be that big of a deal. We were married and we knew we wanted a family. Well after 4 years of nothing happening we decided to look into what was going on. You all know the rest of the story. IF (infertility) robbed us of getting pregnant on our own. By the time we started treatments we were going into our thirties. I was almost 33 and Brian was 35 when the girls were born. Not old by any means but old enough that if we were going to try for another one we weren't going to be able to wait too long. We had talked about the girls being our only children. We didn't think we could go through IVF again, chance getting pregnant with twins again, having another high risk pregnancy and take care of toddler twins. After delivering the girls, the doctor could not got my uterus to contract. They were working really hard to get it to do so. The doctor came over to us and asked if we planned on having anymore kids. It's one thing if you decide this was it. It's another thing when the choice is taken away from you. She explained what was going on. Obviously saving my life was more important then my uterus. I didn't have time to process this because I went right into surgery.

Even after after I had the girls it really hadn't sunk in that I wouldn't be able to have anymore kids. When we lost Brian and Lillian I met an awesome woman. Her name was Peg and she was the grief counselor at the hospital. By some strange twist of fate she had found out that I was in the hospital having the girls. She stopped by to say HI. We talked about all the emotions that were going on in my heart. How happy I was to have the girls and how sad I was that Brian and Lillian weren't here with us... She also told me I needed to grieve the loss of ability to have more children. To be honest there was so much going on I didn't have time to even think about that. But it clicked with me a few weeks later. I wasn't going to be pregnant again. I would never get a BFP again. I would never hear a heartbeat from within again. I would never feel a baby growing in my belly again. I am VERY GRATEFUL for my girls. I know how lucky I am to have them. But I was sad that once again the choice was taken away from me.

Most of the time when people ask me if we will have more kids I just say, "no, we are happy with what we have". Deep down I would of loved to have one more. But I guess it just wasn't in the cards.

1 comment:

tbonegrl said...

Thank you for the support on my post!

I cannot imagine having to make that choice/have the chance of another taken away from you. In some ways you must mourn what could have been, and in others mourn the path that got you to where you are.

((hugs)) back!