Mother's Day

For so long Mother's Day was a day that I dreaded.  When we were struggling to have a family this day would come and I would want to pretend it didn't exist.  I would always do something for my mom and my mother in law but I really didn't like the day.

Then I got pregnant was so excited to celebrate this special day.  After we lost the babies Mother's Day was a day that I was dreading.  A day that celebrated being a mom.  The thing was, I was a mother.  But my babies weren't here with me.  And that was so unfair.  I was very angry.  I wanted to be recognized as a mother but then again I didn't.  Cause it was yet another reminder that I didn't have what I have always wanted.  To have children.

The following Mother's Day I was blessed to be pregnant.  It was such a bitter sweet day.  I was so happy to be pregnant but so sad that my babies, the ones who had made me a mother first, were not here with me.  It felt wrong. 

Now Mother's Day is filled with so much joy and sorrow.  I am so blessed to have my girls.  I love them so much.  But I miss my other daughter and son so much that it hurts.  My arms long to hold them.  My heart aches to see them one more time.

I'm also blessed to have such an amazing relationship with my mom.  She is one of my best friends.  She is always there for me whenever I need her.  And she is an amazing grandmother to the girls.  They adore her.  I don't know what I would do without her.

And then there is my mother in law.  She has been gone for 6 1/2 years now.  I was so lucky to have her as my mother in law.  She was awesome.  She had the biggest heart.  I'm so sad that she never met the girls.  I can only imagine how much fun they all would have had together.  I love you Sandy and miss you so much!


                                                                      

                                              

                                 

Happy Mothers day to all you moms out there.  And to those whose dreams of motherhood have yet to come true, many hugs and loves to you.  I have been there and I know how painful this day can be. 

Does time really heal all wounds?

All week I have been thinking that my due date with Brian and Lillian was April 30th.  This morning I realized that I have been wrong...  My due date was April 24th.  The day came and went and I totally forgot.  I feel like a horrible mother. 

To say we were thrilled when I found out I was pregnant would be an understatement.  At the time I was working at Hannaford and everyone knew we were cycling.  I remember calling the store to tell Margo (my boss) I was pregnant.  She was screaming and yelling!  I came into work the next day and the service desk and cash office was decorated.  Everyone was so happy for me. 

Our families were so happy and excited.  My mother in law had been very sick that year so finding out I was pregnant gave her some much needed happiness.  I know my mother was beyond happy.  I am her baby and she knew how much I wanted to be a mom.  My brothers, Brian's sister, aunts, uncles, cousins...  Everyone was so happy!

When we found out we were expecting twins we thought we were being rewarded for all the pain we had been through.  We were nervous, scared, happy and excited all at the same time.  At 18 weeks we found out we were having a girl and a boy.  I remember how excited my mom was.  We were all crying in the exam room.  Even my IVF nurse was there and she was crying.  I felt like we were getting our family.  Finally.  A son and a daughter.  I felt complete. 

December 28th 2005 is a day I will never forget.  When I felt the gush of water I knew what it was.  I called my doctors office and the nurse calmy explained that I could have just wet myself but I knew it wasn't that.  There was so much water.  The drive to the hospital (about 40 mins) was excruciating.  I was so scared.  I was only 23wks3d along.

The next morning I woke up thinking I had to go to the bathroom.  But once I got in there I knew something was wrong.  I started screaming.  Within 30 minutes my son was born.  They didn't think he would survive the birth.  He shocked them all.  He came out peeing all over the place.  I was whisked to another room to try and stabilize things so we could try and save Lillian.  I was totally out of it.  I only remember bits and pieces of things.  I guess things weren't looking good for little Brian.  The doctors brought him in for me to see.  I remember them put him right to my face and telling me what a fighter he was.  How proud I should be of him.  He was beautiful.  And wearing a little Santa hat.  He lived for 14 hours. 

Saturday December 31st was a good day for me.  I felt good and things looked good.  Lillian's water levels were fine.  Her heartbeat was strong.  They had given me steroid shots.  We were just praying that she was hold on.  That night I started feeling funny.  I had some pain but I thought maybe I had to go to the bathroom.  I had been on strict bed rest for 4 days so "things" weren't moving if you catch my drift.  They gave me something to help things.  But I knew this was something else.  The doctor checked me and I was dilating.  They asked if I wanted an epidural.  I did.  I wanted something to take away the pain.  My heart was in so much pain that I didn't know if I could handle physical pain too.  She was born at 12:39 a.m. on January 1st 2006.  She lived for 40 hours.

I remember the doctors coming in and telling us things weren't looking good and asking if we wanted to be with her.  I was numb.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I kept waiting to wake up for this horrible dream.  But it wasn't a dream.  It was my new reality. 

I ended up staying in the hospital for a few extra days just to make sure my body was ok from all the meds they had me on.  It was awful.  I just wanted to go home.  I couldn't stand the thought of knowing other women were there giving birth to big healthy babies.  And I was going home...  Empty handed.

I know time has eased the pain.  I can talk about Brian and Lillian and not completely lose it.  I can think about being pregnant with them and smile.  But there are some wounds that will never heal.  When they died a big piece of my heart died with them.  And that piece will never been completely healed.

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week in National Infertility Awareness week. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples, of childbearing age, is diagnosed with infertility? Brian and I were/are one of those couples. It is one of the hardest things we have dealt with in our marriage. We went through 6 IUI's and 5 IVF's before we were blessed with the girls. And you know we were also blessed with Brian and Lillian on our 3rd IVF attempt but sadly they were born too soon.

  Going through infertility was heartbreaking. With every announcement of someone being pregnant my heart broke. With every birth I would smile while holding back tears. Every month I would pray that this was the month for us. Only to be heartbroken when aunt Flo would visit. I'm know how very lucky we are to have the girls. I know some many wonderful couples out there who are still struggling to make their dreams of having a family come true.

For more info on Infertility visit:

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about-resolve.html

School Vacation!!

The girls were on vacation this week and we have been busy!! Luckily we have some awesome weather here in Maine this week. So we took advantage of it and did a bunch of stuff!! We started our vacation by having a playdate with Bert and Grace. The girls love playing with their cousins. And it gave me a chance to catch up with my niece Holly. I enjoy talking with her so much! And I love watching our kids play together. Saturday Brian and I took the girls to the circus. I'm pretty sure they liked it. It was hard to read them during the show. I will say that the show was LONG. Too long if you ask me. We ended up leaving before it was over. Charlotte kept asking if it was time to go home. So we watched the elephants and headed out. I have to be honest, I'm not a fan of the circus. But the girls can say they went. I think they like the light up toys we bought more then the show! Sunday we headed over to Fort Williams for the afternoon. We love it over there. It is beautiful there. We walked the trails and then played at the playground. The girls made friends while we were there. It was so much fun watching them. And of coarse we stopped for ice cream after. Monday we went to Tractor Day at Pineland. We went with some of my friends from the moms group I joined a while ago. We had so much fun! I didn't know if the girls would be into the tractor but they loved them!! We also saw cows and chickens. It was really fun. Then we headed over to my friend Kristen's house for a picnic/playdate. She has a 3 year old daughter Vivian. The 3 girls get along so well!! And I enjoy Kristens company. We have a lot in common. She loves Disney just as much as I do :) Tuesday we ended up at Kristens again. She also have a 10 year old stepdaughter who is really good with kids. So the 4 girls played while K and I talked Disney and other things. Wednesday was a down day. I needed to read a book for the book club I am in. We hung around in our jammies and watched movies. Thursday we went to Range Pond with Jen, Jenn, Larissa and their kids. The girls were brave and went into the water. It was a little on the cold side. Both the water and the air but the girls didn't seem to care. I'm loving the age that they are at. They went back and forth between the water and the playground and I didn't need to really help them with much. I could kind of relax and enjoy the adult company. Friday we had to drive to Augusta to get a copy of our marriage certificate. We never received one when we got married and Brian need to show proof that we are married. I kept thinking driving up there what is something got messed up and it was never filed?? But it was :) After that we met Kristen, Jen, Vivian, Maddy, Ben and Thomas at the Gray Animal Farm. We had a great time! The weather was perfect. The explored the woods, looked at the animals, played in the dirt and had some ice cream. We had a great week! I think we are all a little exhausted but it was well worth it!! Here are some photos of our adventures:

Hello My Friend, Hello...

Sorry I haven't posted in over a month. Such is the life of a mom!! I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I will talk about Easter. I have always loved Easter. I can remember being little and being so excited about the Easter Bunny coming!! I would wake up early to see if he left me anything. And of coarse to see if there was any chocolate. I have this one memory of getting a peanut butter bunny one year. I promptly ate it. I don't even think it was 6 a.m. The girls were so excited! They were up bright and early to see what the Easter Bunny brought them! I have to admit... we went a little overboard this year. I wanted to get them Leap Pads. So we just got them and gave them as Easter Bunny gifts. Oh well!! And they love them!! Big hit! Then we got all dressed up and went to auntie Pam's house for dinner and an egg hunt. We had a great time! It's always a good time when the whole family gets together. Here are some photos from the day.

We are all booked!!

I'm so excited! Yesterday I booked our Disney vacation and today I bought our plane tickets! You read that right folks. PLANE tickets!! For the past 8 years we have driven to Disney. My husband has a fear of flying. And to be honest when the girls were smaller it was easier to drive. I could over pack to my hearts content. But now that they are older (and will be in kindergarden) I think it's time we fly. I know it's going to be hard for hubby but he will be ok.

We are staying at the Boardwalk. We love it there. I love the "feel" of that resort. It's so relaxing. We will be there for 9 days. We are arriving on the girls birthday which will be so fun! I plan on booking dinner with the Princesses that night. The girls are super excited! They keep asking if it's their birthday. We have to wait 7 more months for that... But it will be so worth it once we are there!

Of coarse we are sick... it's school vacation!!

This has been a very long week. Before vacation started the girls had runny noses. But that was it. No coughs. So I really didn't think anything of it. Come Monday they were both a hot mess. And me too... Bad coughs, runny noses. It hasn't been pretty. We did manage one playdate with my friend Angie and her twin girls, Eliza and Bella. and we visited my mom. But that was it. We are all on the mend now. And tomorrow the girls go back to school :)

p.s. I don't have any pictures to post:( I didn't feel taking any this week...