Sorry I haven't been around much lately... There have been many times when I have logged into Blogger to post but just didn't feel like writing. I have been in a bit of a funk. Those around me probably didn't notice it but I knew I wasn't feeling myself. I went to the doctors and asked to be put on meds. Depression is such a bitch. And she started rearing her ugly head a few months ago...
Every since Brian and I started trying to have a baby I have felt a little down. Infertility is awful. Every time someone announced they were pregnant I would just shut down. I would cry for days. Always wondering when it would be our turn. I watched my two BFF's have 2 children, two of my nieces have babies, my aunt had a baby plus the countless co-workers have babies. It became painful. I pulled away from people. I needed to protect myself. I love my friends. Michelle and Nichole are like family to me. And of coarse I love my nieces. But it was so hard.
We started IF (infertility) treatments in December of 2002. I remember being so hopeful. We did 6 rounds of IUI's. Let down after let down. Every time we got a negative pregnancy test, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I felt like I was letting Brian down. It was my body that wasn't getting pregnant. After the 6th IUI, my OB suggested we see a reproductive endocrinologist.
We met with Dr Hartog in the spring of 2003. As soon as I met her I loved her. She was straight forward but she had a warmth about her. And I LOVED my nurse, Laura Jean. She was great. It was like talking to my mom. I made a friend in Laura Jean. We did our first IVF cycle in October of 2003. We were beyond excited! Everything went pretty smoothly. But it didn't work. We did our next cycle in March of 2004. That was a disaster. We didn't even think we were going to have embryos to transfer. I was defeated. Again, I couldn't help but wonder why? Why was this happening to us? I needed a break. A break from the needles. A break from the ultrasounds. A break from IVF...
That fall was great. We took an amazing family trip to Disney World. While we were there we watched the Red Sox beat the Yankees after being down 3 games. Then we watched as they won the World Series. I felt totally recharged. I know that probably sounds weird but in a way watching them win gave me hope. I needed just a little more time but I knew we would be cycling again.
The spring of 2005 we got all our ducks in a row to start our next cycle. It was a bumpy road but it all worked out. In August we got what we had been working so hard to get... BFP!
I'm not going to go to deep into what happened. You all know that we lost the babies. It was the darkest time of my life. My heart was truly broken. I couldn't believe we were given such an amazing gift to have it taken away from us. I was angry. I was sad. There were so many emotions going through my head. And now when I found out someone was expecting I would just break down. and I would be out of it for a couple days.
My niece got pregnant right before the 1 year anniversary of Brian and Lillian's death. She called Brian and told him first. So he prepared me. But I couldn't talk to her. I was thrilled for her. Beyond happy. but it was so hard for me. It wasn't jealousy. I just couldn't understand how it was so easy for some people but so hard for us. I couldn't hear her say the words. I was afraid if I did it would kill me. We ended up talking on Christmas Eve. I remember her saying she wanted her aunt back. We are very close. and that killed me too. I asked her to just give me some time. We were gearing up to cycle again. And we all know how that turned out. My niece had her son in June. The girls were born in September.
Infertility is a horrible disease. It's almost crippling. Until you have been through it you can't understand. To want something so bad and not be able to have it. To want a child of your own and it just not happening the way "it's suppose" to happen. And even though I have kids it still stings a little when I hear that people are pregnant.
