Grief...

I am obsessed with reading other people's blogs. Especially ones that talk about pregnancy/infant loss. But after reading some of these blogs, I started feeling like something was wrong with me. Because I wasn't feeling the same way these other women were feeling.

The days, weeks and months following Brian and Lillian's death were rough. I had panic attacks. If I knew we were going somewhere I would take a anti anxiety pill because it was very overwhelming for me to be around people. I remember being in Walmart once feeling like I was going to pass out. I can home took a pill and went to bed. Brian had to travel quite a bit for work and luckily I was able to quit my job, so I traveled with him. It was hard to leave the house though. I felt like my babies were here and if I left would they wouldn't know where I was. Sounds crazy but it's how I felt.

Little Brian died a few days after my mother in law did so we decided to have him buried with him. It just made sense and felt right. I was unable to go to the services. That was really hard for me. Lillian was born 2 days after the funeral. To be honest I can't remember who picked out her coffin. Brian? Brian's dad? Those days are a little blurry for me. We didn't have a service for Lillian. I have felt guilty about that for a long time.

The first time I went to the cemetery was Memorial Day. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Seeing their names on the headstone was overwhelming. It had been months since we lost them but seeing their names made it real. I wasn't dreaming. When I was doing our IVF cycle with the girls, I visited everyday. I would leave the doctors office and go right to the cemetery. I would just sit in my car (it's was February in Maine so it was cold) and talk to them. Tell them what was going on. And to please watch over us.

We tried to get pregnant on our own for a little while. After about 6 months we decided to call our RE. She reviewed our charts from the hospital and told us she felt we lost the twins because of incompetent cervix. Once she told me that I became a little angry. I felt like my doctor should of been looking at my cervix to make sure everything looked o.k. I had just been complaining to her that something didn't feel right. But she just blew me off. I knew right there and then that I would never go back to her.

In August we did another round of IVF. It didn't work. I was devastated. I knew I only had one more cycle in me. I knew I couldn't go on doing IVF. It was emotionally and physically draining. In December I started talking the birth control. In February we got our BFP.

Finding out we were pregnant with twins again was very nerve wracking. Would I lose them? Would the cerclage work? Would I carry to term? Would I be on bed rest? Would I be able to relax? I was thrilled to be pregnant. But I didn't know how to process how I was feeling. I didn't want to spend my whole pregnancy worrying about losing them. But it was hard to shake those worries. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I ended up in the hospital at 34wks2d. I delivered the girls at 35wks2d.

So flash forward to now. I'm five years out from our loss. I can talk about Brian and Lillian without braking down. I can think about them without totally losing it. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments. I still have a hard time when we go to the cemetery. I will hear a song and it will bring me back. But for the most part I am o.k. I think about them everyday. I wonder what life would be like if they were here. But the grief doesn't consume me anymore. It doesn't run my life anymore. I guess I have learned to live with it.

Is it summer yet?

It is snowing. And we are getting another storm on Friday. This only makes my winter time depression even worse. I feel bad cause the snow is so deep now that it's not fun to play outside. The girls can barely walk in the snow because it's so deep. Have I mentioned that I hate the winter? I really wish we could move south... Here's some pictures of the girls painting today.





And the Patiots blowing it on Sunday hasn't helped matters either. For the time being I am a Steelers fan. Which I am sure makes my friend Beth happy :) I hope the Steelers bury the Jets!!

So now I am going to go dream about summer. And the swimming pool we are going to put up. And I might dream a little about Disney too!!

Lessons learned...

We have continued to use baby wipes with the girls. I find it's easier to clean the girls with wipes then with toilet paper. And we have been flushing them down the toilet...

Last night Brian went downstairs for something and there was water all over the floor. Our basement leaks so having water down there isn't' something new for us. The only thing is it didn't rain and it's been too cold for the snow to be melting. Then he looked in the washing machine and there was water in there. So we tried to drain the washer. As soon as the water starting going down the drain pipe water went everywhere! We had a blocked sewer pipe...

We took the drain pipe from the washer out of the main drain pipe (hope that makes sense to everyone) and what did I find?? A baby wipe. I know right then and there we were going to need a plumber. And I knew getting a plumber on the weekend was going to mean $$$!!

The plumber came and told us we had the record for most baby wipes clogging a pipe!! $245 later we were flowing again!!

So the lesson learned is... No more baby wipes in the toilet!!

I want them back...

My SIL made me a beautiful charm bracelet for Christmas. She is so talented. And I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. Here is a picture of it:



Maggie loves to look at it. And she asked me what all the charms mean. So I told her she has an older brother and sister, who are in heaven, because they were too sick to stay with us. It's very hard to explain death to a 3 year old. We told her they were in heaven with Nana, Grampa, little Grampa, uncle Danny, uncle John and the many others we have lost throughout the years. So then she says to us, "I want them back". It just about breaks my heart every time she says that to me. She has no idea how much we wish they could be here with her. I can't imagine what life would be like if we had 4 kids. How crazy our lives would be. How outnumbered little Brian would be. I wonder if he would be the protective big brother? Would Lilly be the ring leader of the girls?

So now when we do night night, Maggie always says good night to her brother and sister. She tells us they are in heaven cause they were too sick. Then she says, "I want them back"...

The Big Storm!!

We survived the big storm of 2011!! It started snowing about 7 a.m. and stopped around 6 p.m. I think we got about a foot. Maybe a little more. While Brian was shoveling the driveway the girls and I played in the front yard. They were so excited to be out in the snow. It was really cold though. The wind was really bad. We went outside for a few minutes this morning. It took me about a half hour to get them ready to go outside and we were out there for 15 minutes. I think Charlotte is coming down with something. She has a little cough and is super cranky today... We will probably go back out once Brian is done working!! Here are some pictures from last night. Thanks Amanda for telling me about Picnik!!

One of my favorite videos from Disney...

I was watching some of the videos from Disney (I needed to go to my happy place since we are in the middle of an awful snow storm) and I thought I would share 2 of my favorites!! Both of them are from when we went to see the Osbourne Lights, at Hollywood Studios, with auntie Theresa and auntie Linda. We had so much fun! One of my favorite memories of all time. Hopefully this works...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

*Edit* So this is actually 3 videos put together. Didn't realize that's how One True Media did it. Enjoy :)

Playing in the snow!

The girls really love playing in the snow. I feel bad though cause we don't have a lot right now. It looks like we are getting a big storm on Wednesday. Fingers crossed!! I got them all bundles up and took them outside today. It was beautiful out! They had a great time! And so did I :)