Change of plans...

This weekend Brian and I were suppose to have a date night. I was really looking forward to this. I think the last time we had a date night was last summer when one of Brian's friends got married. A little over a week ago Maggie woke up with a nasty cough. No other symptoms just a cough. I thought I would give her a couple days and it would be cleared up. That just wasn't happening. I took her to the doctors on Friday. He thought either bronchitis or pneumonia...

I had to take to the hospital for chest x-rays. She did so well!! I was so proud of her!

The doctor called that afternoon and it was bronchitis. We decided to cancel our date night... We didn't feel right leaving her when she wasn't feeling 100%. My mom told us to pick another night and she will come over.

Saturday Heather and Jen came over. We had a great visit. It was fun talking to Jen about having twins and what it was like being pregnant with twins. Brian and I ended up making one of our favorite meals, steak sandwiches, for dinner.

Here are some pictures Heather took:








Sunday we were suppose to have a family dinner with Theresa. But... Holly's kids are sick too. Bert had pneumonia in one of his lungs and Gracie has bronchitis! So my mom came over and hung out with us. I was bummed that we didn't get to see Theresa before her surgery but with all the little ones being sick we knew cancelling was the best idea.

If you are the praying kind, please say a little prayer for our dear friend Theresa. Her surgery is tomorrow. We love you aunt-T!!

Oh and guess we are getting this week??? MORE SNOW!! I am so over this!!

Here are the girls frosting cupcakes.. At one point they "washed" their hands with the frosting.










And I love this picture of Charlotte

Baby it's cold outside...

My computer says it's 1 degree outside right now. And that is without wind chill. The past few days have been very cold here in the Northeast. Sunday night it got down to -13. BRRR!! I know it's January but that is very cold. So we have been in the house. It's just too cold to play outside. Needless to say we are a little stir crazy. I think the girls are getting sick of being inside. I think they are getting sick of painting, coloring and playing dollhouse. What activities do you do with your little ones when it's too cold/hot outside?

This weekend aunt Theresa and auntie Linda came up for a visit. It was great to see them. The girls were quite excited!! We hadn't seen them since Christmas.

I am looking forward to this weekend. Saturday my friends Heather and Jen (who is expecting twin girls) are coming over for a visit. Then Brian and I are having a long overdue date night! Then Sunday we are having a family dinner. Theresa is having surgery on 2/1 so we all wanted to get together. Should be a fun weekend!!

You suck cancer...

I know I have mentioned Theresa on this blog before. She is one of my best friends. She is an amazing friend...



We named Maggie (Margaret Theresa) after her. She is Maggie's Godmother. She is an amazing auntie...





She is just a great person. Always there for you...







She found out yesterday that she has tonsil cancer. She is having surgery next month then radiation and chemo. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. And cancer... YOU SUCK!!

Grief...

I am obsessed with reading other people's blogs. Especially ones that talk about pregnancy/infant loss. But after reading some of these blogs, I started feeling like something was wrong with me. Because I wasn't feeling the same way these other women were feeling.

The days, weeks and months following Brian and Lillian's death were rough. I had panic attacks. If I knew we were going somewhere I would take a anti anxiety pill because it was very overwhelming for me to be around people. I remember being in Walmart once feeling like I was going to pass out. I can home took a pill and went to bed. Brian had to travel quite a bit for work and luckily I was able to quit my job, so I traveled with him. It was hard to leave the house though. I felt like my babies were here and if I left would they wouldn't know where I was. Sounds crazy but it's how I felt.

Little Brian died a few days after my mother in law did so we decided to have him buried with him. It just made sense and felt right. I was unable to go to the services. That was really hard for me. Lillian was born 2 days after the funeral. To be honest I can't remember who picked out her coffin. Brian? Brian's dad? Those days are a little blurry for me. We didn't have a service for Lillian. I have felt guilty about that for a long time.

The first time I went to the cemetery was Memorial Day. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Seeing their names on the headstone was overwhelming. It had been months since we lost them but seeing their names made it real. I wasn't dreaming. When I was doing our IVF cycle with the girls, I visited everyday. I would leave the doctors office and go right to the cemetery. I would just sit in my car (it's was February in Maine so it was cold) and talk to them. Tell them what was going on. And to please watch over us.

We tried to get pregnant on our own for a little while. After about 6 months we decided to call our RE. She reviewed our charts from the hospital and told us she felt we lost the twins because of incompetent cervix. Once she told me that I became a little angry. I felt like my doctor should of been looking at my cervix to make sure everything looked o.k. I had just been complaining to her that something didn't feel right. But she just blew me off. I knew right there and then that I would never go back to her.

In August we did another round of IVF. It didn't work. I was devastated. I knew I only had one more cycle in me. I knew I couldn't go on doing IVF. It was emotionally and physically draining. In December I started talking the birth control. In February we got our BFP.

Finding out we were pregnant with twins again was very nerve wracking. Would I lose them? Would the cerclage work? Would I carry to term? Would I be on bed rest? Would I be able to relax? I was thrilled to be pregnant. But I didn't know how to process how I was feeling. I didn't want to spend my whole pregnancy worrying about losing them. But it was hard to shake those worries. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I ended up in the hospital at 34wks2d. I delivered the girls at 35wks2d.

So flash forward to now. I'm five years out from our loss. I can talk about Brian and Lillian without braking down. I can think about them without totally losing it. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments. I still have a hard time when we go to the cemetery. I will hear a song and it will bring me back. But for the most part I am o.k. I think about them everyday. I wonder what life would be like if they were here. But the grief doesn't consume me anymore. It doesn't run my life anymore. I guess I have learned to live with it.

Is it summer yet?

It is snowing. And we are getting another storm on Friday. This only makes my winter time depression even worse. I feel bad cause the snow is so deep now that it's not fun to play outside. The girls can barely walk in the snow because it's so deep. Have I mentioned that I hate the winter? I really wish we could move south... Here's some pictures of the girls painting today.





And the Patiots blowing it on Sunday hasn't helped matters either. For the time being I am a Steelers fan. Which I am sure makes my friend Beth happy :) I hope the Steelers bury the Jets!!

So now I am going to go dream about summer. And the swimming pool we are going to put up. And I might dream a little about Disney too!!

Lessons learned...

We have continued to use baby wipes with the girls. I find it's easier to clean the girls with wipes then with toilet paper. And we have been flushing them down the toilet...

Last night Brian went downstairs for something and there was water all over the floor. Our basement leaks so having water down there isn't' something new for us. The only thing is it didn't rain and it's been too cold for the snow to be melting. Then he looked in the washing machine and there was water in there. So we tried to drain the washer. As soon as the water starting going down the drain pipe water went everywhere! We had a blocked sewer pipe...

We took the drain pipe from the washer out of the main drain pipe (hope that makes sense to everyone) and what did I find?? A baby wipe. I know right then and there we were going to need a plumber. And I knew getting a plumber on the weekend was going to mean $$$!!

The plumber came and told us we had the record for most baby wipes clogging a pipe!! $245 later we were flowing again!!

So the lesson learned is... No more baby wipes in the toilet!!

I want them back...

My SIL made me a beautiful charm bracelet for Christmas. She is so talented. And I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. Here is a picture of it:



Maggie loves to look at it. And she asked me what all the charms mean. So I told her she has an older brother and sister, who are in heaven, because they were too sick to stay with us. It's very hard to explain death to a 3 year old. We told her they were in heaven with Nana, Grampa, little Grampa, uncle Danny, uncle John and the many others we have lost throughout the years. So then she says to us, "I want them back". It just about breaks my heart every time she says that to me. She has no idea how much we wish they could be here with her. I can't imagine what life would be like if we had 4 kids. How crazy our lives would be. How outnumbered little Brian would be. I wonder if he would be the protective big brother? Would Lilly be the ring leader of the girls?

So now when we do night night, Maggie always says good night to her brother and sister. She tells us they are in heaven cause they were too sick. Then she says, "I want them back"...

The Big Storm!!

We survived the big storm of 2011!! It started snowing about 7 a.m. and stopped around 6 p.m. I think we got about a foot. Maybe a little more. While Brian was shoveling the driveway the girls and I played in the front yard. They were so excited to be out in the snow. It was really cold though. The wind was really bad. We went outside for a few minutes this morning. It took me about a half hour to get them ready to go outside and we were out there for 15 minutes. I think Charlotte is coming down with something. She has a little cough and is super cranky today... We will probably go back out once Brian is done working!! Here are some pictures from last night. Thanks Amanda for telling me about Picnik!!

One of my favorite videos from Disney...

I was watching some of the videos from Disney (I needed to go to my happy place since we are in the middle of an awful snow storm) and I thought I would share 2 of my favorites!! Both of them are from when we went to see the Osbourne Lights, at Hollywood Studios, with auntie Theresa and auntie Linda. We had so much fun! One of my favorite memories of all time. Hopefully this works...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

*Edit* So this is actually 3 videos put together. Didn't realize that's how One True Media did it. Enjoy :)

Playing in the snow!

The girls really love playing in the snow. I feel bad though cause we don't have a lot right now. It looks like we are getting a big storm on Wednesday. Fingers crossed!! I got them all bundles up and took them outside today. It was beautiful out! They had a great time! And so did I :)

Is anyone reading this?

If you are reading this post, please leave a comment!! I would love to hear from you!!

So last night Maggie almost made it!! She woke up early in the night (at like 8:30) and I told her, "mommy is not in bed yet". She laid back down and went back to sleep. Around 5:15 I heard her calling out to me. She managed to wake Charlotte up too... Not a good thing. So I brought both girls in bed with me (Brian slept downstairs) and told them to go back to sleep. It took a little while but Maggie fell back to sleep. Charlotte did not... I am praying they take a nap this afternoon. Cause mommy needs to nap too!!

Dear Maggie...

Dear Maggie,

I'm writing this letter to ask you if you could please sleep in your own bed? I can't remember the last time Papa and I got to sleep in our bed without you waking up and kicking Papa out of bed. I love snuggling with you but I need some sleep. Some uninterrupted sleep. So if you could work on that I would appreciate it!!

Love,

Mama


It's a good thing she is so cute...







On another note.. Gree and I took the girls to see Tangled today. It was so good. The best Disney movie (in my opinion) since Beauty and the Beast!! I would highly recommend seeing it!!

Friends...

I have been emailing with a friend this morning about supporting each other in the weight loss battle and it made me think... I have amazing friends.

I'm going to start with some oldies. Some of my oldest and dearest.

Nichole:
I have known Nichole for about 25 years. She moved into my neighborhood when we were in grade school. And we just clicked. We were always together. She was my "date" for my dads wedding. We shared a LOVE for New Kids on the Block. We worked together and had tons of fun together. She has seen me through a lot in my life. We may not see each other all the time or talk everyday but I know she is always there for me. I'm lucky to have her in my life.

Graduation day 1993


Michelle:
I have known Michelle for 21 years. She was in my sophomore algebra class. We kind of "knew" each other cause we took dance lessons from the same teacher. Michelle asked me if I would be interested in doing dance with her and the rest is history. We basically became inseparable. We worked together, we slept at each other's house every weekend, we lived together, I was her maid of honor, she was my maid of honor, I was in the delivery room when her daughter was born, she was a great support when we lost the babies and has provided me with some great parenting tips since I had the girls. We have gotten into some trouble together... And have has some monster fights (I wonder if the skid marks are still on the street in OOB?). But she has been a rock in my life. My BFF. My sister. We don't see each other as much as we want too but I know she is always there for me.
Us circa 1997

2000 at Michelle's baby shower

2007 at my baby shower

2010 at the girls 3rd bday


The Hannaford crew:
I don't even know where to start with this one. In the fall/winter of 2004 I started working at the Hannaford in Falmouth. Little did I know that I would make some great friends. They are, Heather, Sarah, Amanda and Gabby. These are some of the nicest people I know. We all really hit it off while working together. And I should mention... I was their boss. While working in Falmouth I went through an IVF cycle (which they were all so supportive during that time) and became pregnant with Brian and Lillian. They were all so happy for me. After everything happened I stopped working. I just couldn't go back there and face everyone. Not just my co-workers but the customers knew I was pregnant. I couldn't believe these girls stayed in contact with me. I should also mention that I am older then them. I think Heather is the oldest of the group and she is 30 and Amanda, the youngest, is about to turn 25. They were a great source of support, comfort and friendship. It's been 5 years since I left that store and I talk to all of them on a regular basses. They are a great group of women and I am so blessed to have them in my life!!

Heather, me, Sarah and Amanda at the girls baptism

All of us (plus Barbara SaoReang)

Heather and the girls


Margo, Emily, Jessica:
Margo was my boss at the Falmouth store who became a very good friend. She was so supportive when we lost the babies. She and my mom put together my baby shower for the girls!! We were pregnant together. He son Cabot is 2 months younger then the girls and is such cutie! Emily also worked at Hannaford. We have gotten together quite a few times and I really enjoy her company! She has a great sense of humor and a lot of fun to be around. I love talking about parenting with her because I think we share a lot of the same views. She and I were also pregnant at the same time. Well briefly. Her son, Lucas, is 3 months older then the girls. Jessica is a friend from high school that I lost touch with but we found each other on FB. We were really close when we were younger. And since reconnecting on FB have gotten together a few times (she lives about 1 1/2 hours from me). I am so glad we have reconnected!!

Beth and Carrie:
I "met" these two amazing women after I lost the twins. We met through a group called LAMBs. It's an online support group for women who have lost multiples. Beth lost her girls, Abby and Morgan, a week before I lost Brian and Lillian. Her due date was a week after mine. She was an amazing support to me during a very dark time in my life. It was really great being able to talk to someone who understood what I was feeling. We met up a couple times. We were actually pregnant at the same time again!! Her daughter, Sarah, was born on 9/17 and the girls were born on 9/30 so they are only 2 weeks apart. Shortly after Sarah was born, Beth and her family moved back to PA so we haven't seen each other in 4 years :( Carrie lost triplets shortly after we lost the twins. She joined LAMBs and we became friends. She also was a great support to me. And she was also pregnant the same time I was!! Her son, Nolan, was born on 11/20 so he's just a little younger then the girls. She lives in the Chicago area so we have never met. But she also shares a love for Disney so I am hoping to meet her down there sometime!

I have also met some other wonderful women through this blog. Some who have twins, so how have also lost multiples and some who also love Disney.

I am really lucky to have some many wonderful friends. I love you all!! Thank you for always being there for me!!

xoxo

Feeling blue...

I hate this time of year. The holidays are over. The tree is gone. The decorations are down. The Christmas music isn't playing anymore. Our Disney vacation is a distant memory. And it's winter. I hate the winter. I don't mind the first snow but after that it can just go away! The thought of being in the house for the next 4 months depresses me. We will go out and play every once and a while but not like we did during the summer. I am going to look into swimming lessons for the girls. We plan on putting up a pool this summer so I would like them to take lessons.

The girls have discovered some new shows that they like. Dora and Diego. They like Diego a little more then Dora. I think it's because he interacts with animals. They also love the movie Annie. They walk around singing the songs. And reenacting some of the scenes of the movie. One of them will be Miss Hannigan and the other plays an orphan. It's really cute!

I have started my New Year's diet. Fingers crossed I stay with it this time. I was looking at some recent pictures of myself and I almost fell off my chair. I have put on a lot of weight. I am really disappointed in myself. But it's a new year and a new beginning. I don't want my kids to ever be embarrassed about me. And I want to be a role model for them. Yesterday they both exercised with me. It was pretty cute.

Here are some pictures of the girls playing in the snow :)